Useless Knowledge - Part 1

Did you know:

• Noriyuki "Pat" Morita, who passed away last week, was nominated for an Oscar for his portrayal of Mr. Miyagi in The Karate Kid "...show me... sand da floor"
• Lisa Bonet (a.k.a. Denise Huxtable) co-wrote the song "Rosemary" on Lenny Kravitz first album Let Love Rule
• Beastie Boy Ad-Rock (Adam Horovitz) was once married to actress Ione Skye, who's most remembered as the recipient of John Cusack's boombox blaring "In Your Eyes" in the Cameron Crowe classic ...Say Anything
• If you subtract Hank Aaron's 755 career home runs from his career hit total, he would still have over 3,000 hits
• Of the 15 albums The Beatles released in the U.S. during their career (1964-1970), 11 of them hit #1 on the charts for a combined 118 weeks. (the other 4 all hit #2)
• ABC's Monday Night Football, which will move to cable next year, is the second longest running primetime network program - behind CBS's 60 Minutes
• Nicolas Cage, who has an uncle named Francis, had a bit role in Fast Times at Ridgemont High under the name Nicolas Coppolla.
• Eagle Eye Cherry has a sister named Neneh, who had a hit in the late 80's with "Buffalo Stance" "...so don't you get fresh with me..."
• The 11 U.S. cities who are home to teams in each of the four major sports are: New York, Boston, Philadelphia, Detroit, Chicago, Minneapolis, Atlanta, Miami, Denver, Phoenix, and Washington D.C.
• Comedian Bob Newhart's 3 network sitcoms were called Bob, Newhart and The Bob Newhart Show
• The Simpsons is a spin-off (actually was a sketch portion) of the FOX variety series The Tracey Ullman Show back in that network's first year of broadcast television.

You are now dumber for having read that

Happy Holidays

10 SIGNS I'M GETTING OLDER

1. My forehead is bigger
2. Pregnant women are sexy
3. I get heartburn like a mutha
4. Interest in today's music is at an all-time low
5. Overall hair maintainence is at an all-time high
6. I'll check out a woman's ass before her boobs now
7. Softball injuries are more frequent and more painful
8. 15-year HS reunion is less than a year away
9. Bouncers stopped carding me
10. Carolyn on The Apprentice is kinda hot

The Thanksgiving Shout Outs

Aahh yeah - Thanksgiving. Football, grubfest, power naps.... uh, I mean... the time of the year to give thanks for what life has brought you. I'd say it's been a good 4 years since I've done the latter, but it's definitely time...Time to reflect on what's gotten me to this thirtysomething point in my life and the incredible people who've touched my life along the way. So with that being said:

I'd like to give thanks to:

• Julia Rae for her infectious giggle and Hannah Nicole for the world's best super-hugs
• Adam & Jill who've open their home to me whenever I didn't want to be alone and to their amazing children Courtney & Anthony for always making me smile no matter how awful I might have been feeling
• to the countless members of my little league team because they gave me a reason to get out of the house when I'd otherwise wallow alone in my own misery.
• my sister Arlene, who keeps me calm when the chaos of the day gets on my last nerve and my brother-in-law John for giving me a oppurtunity to do what I'm best at.
• Steve & Carrie who are always willing to listen, even after those times when I know they wish they hadn't.
• my Mom for understanding the buffer zone without being overbearing.
• my Dad for letting me feel his presence even though he's no longer here.
• Heather for the much needed: "Dude, you need to chill..."
• my main man Eric who onced thanked me for how helpful sharing my experience was to him. It was the first time I thought I might actually be learning from all of this.
• my cutie Katie, who was the ray of sunshine in my once cloudy reality
• Mary Beth for understanding I'll always love her no matter what the hell happens
• Jay Grizz for giving me the blunt brotherly advice whether I wanted to hear it or not.
• Appleby for being the one guy who can make me laugh when I'd least expect to and for continually being such a great friend, even though I wasn't always one in return.
• my extraordinary Aunt Mary, whose unconditional love for her family has given me a re-energized pride in my Portuguese heritage.
• Dino & Meliss for providing me with a stress-free, uncomplicated enviroment complete with long talks and camping trips during the Atlanta Experiment.
• my aunt and uncle Gail & Tony, for exposing me to great music and creative writing during my childhood. Both of which gave me something to occupy my mind when I needed to stop thinkin' so damn much.
• the beautiful Dianne - who's my angel - the calm in my self-induced storm. Without her I wouldn't be who I am today
• Big Joe, for not only tolerating me bending his wife's ear for hours at a clip, but making me laugh so hard it hurt on more than one occasion
• my bad-ass cousin Rich, who provides my weekly adrenaline rush when he's on the racetrack and always makes me feel like I contribute to the team - when I'm really just along for the ride.
• the ball bustin' Andy who makes me want to be funny whenever we hang out and to his beautiful wife Lori who reminds me that it eventually can get better down the road.
• Gina for reaching out despite the risk
• my amazing sister Rachel for caring more than I ever expected after all this time and the wonderful way it's made me feel ever since
• the wonderful Melissa for once telling me "it'll get worse before it gets better" which gave me the optimism I needed during my most dreadful times
• Kate for asking how I felt instead of suggesting what I should do
• Rich & Nancy for being the coolest cats in the neighborhood, always there if I needed something
• Stephanie for taking the time to share her experience with me and listen to mine in return - it gave me my first steps towards understanding things better
• and yes, after all this, I'm genuinely thankful for Michelle, who brought out the best in me - and then the worst - Both of which ultimately gave me a broader perspective, overwhelming humility, unconditional forgiveness and finally a deeper understanding of not only myself, but of her as well...

because whether you understand it or not,

that was what I needed to learn in the first place.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY!!

Little League Stories - Vol 1

During an early season practice, I had broken my 12-boy team up into groups. The coaches and I had set up little stations to rotate the kids through. I had the ground ball station. So I took 4 kids, sent 3 of them out a ways, and kept my man Timmy with me to be my catcher.

Timmy was my man. He was 12 that year, so he was big time now. The 'veteran' of the squad - He was our first baseman and he could pitch. He was a lefty, had a good glove, made contact at the plate with some power now and then. But he was stocky kid, and he couldn't run a lick. He was the worst at the running drills we ended each practice with. But he tried like hell...

Anyway, As I was hitting soft grounders to the other 3, I told Timmy...

"listen, my man, you're a leader now. I don't want to see anything get by you here. You're too good for that. You're our first baseman, and even if the throw is in the dirt, it can't get by ya... got it"

"Yeah coach, I got it"

"In fact, everytime that ball gets by you, you owe me a lap"

"Awe man"

"Hey, keep the ball in front of ya, and you won't have to run one"

"OK, coach"

It wasn't too long after that he missed an incoming throw and thud, right off his cheek... instant tears (there's no cryin' in baseball!). It was definitely a stinger though, and I was able to talk him down, asked him where it hurt and made sure he wasn't in any pain. Indeed he was OK, just shaken up a bit...

He took a minute, then got himself back up. He was still crying a little, but he was a tough kid, and didn't want to take a break. I was proud of him. It was refreshing. I mean, it's Little League, not all of the kids have that toughness. So I let him know....

"Hey Timmy, I know that stung a little bit, but ya know what.... the ball didn't get by ya, it's right there in front of ya. You still did your job on defense. I'm proud of ya... I mean, think about Tim - what sucks more - taking a ball to the face or running a lap?"

He took a sniffle, picked up the ball, handed it to me and said....

"Running a lap..."

No Yellow Cheese, Please

So I was on my way to my cousins after work one night and I was thinking about what to do for some dinner. We had some stuff around the shop to get done, and I didn't want to take too long to eat...so ya know, nothing fancy needed. I eat enough fast food when I'm on the road, so I thought maybe I'd mix it up.

My choice wasn't that much healthier, but I thought a nice turkey grinder would do the trick. Stopped at this pizza joint and placed the order:

"Large Turkey, American cheese, lettuce..."

I get this bad boy to go, with a bag of Sun Chips, bottled water - I'm stylin' right? I get to my cousin's and proceed to get my grub on. Unwrap the grinder and then it all went down hill...

They put yellow cheese on the grinder. That's right, good ol' Kraft singles chillin' on my turkey sub. What's the fuckin' deal with that. I got a plenty of that back in the ol' bachelor fridge, I don't need to be paying for someone to give me theirs. That totally ruined my whole grubfest...

Yellow cheese just sucks man!! The processed kind ain't sweetening the deal either!! What a friggin' jip! I mean, seriously: who puts yellow cheese on a turkey grinder!! But whatta ya gonna do - I was starvin' man... so I started eating it anyway. And it just wasn't the same. I couldn't even get through one half of the sub before I called it a wrap.

So is there where we are in this world. Do I have to order a Turkey sub "with white cheese, non-processed please" What the hell man...

Shoulda just went to Mickey D's after all... at least there, I know I'm getting yellow cheese goin' in...

10 WAYS TO RELIEVE STRESS

1. Go to the gym
2. Play the drums
3. Read Maxim while you're droppin' a duece
4. Run around the block like you're Forrest Frickin' Gump
5. Scream at the TV whatchin' your team in playoffs
6. Say "MU-tha...FUCK-ah!!"
7. Sing a song with your voice cracklin' and way off-key
8. Shout a couple f-bombs at the jerk who just cut you off
9. Have great sex
10. Fart

BACHELOR MOMENT: The Tongue Sucker

I'll tell ya - Single at 32 couldn't fuckin' blow any worse. Ho-ly Shit Batman!!

I mean, do I really need to have a date end with a woman who can't kiss. What's that all about!! Are ya kidding me? I mean, I'm not asking for much here, am I?... Lame as it sounds, that was how my last date ended a few weeks back - and I can't say I'm chomping at the bit to do that again. I gotta tell ya, 6 back-to-back episodes of Seinfeld on TBS (all of which I've already seen 50 gazillion times) sounds a hell of a lot better on a Friday than getting my tongue sucked....

Ya know, finding the mother of your children isn't easy - and these non-kissers aren't giving me any signals she'll be coming around the mountain anytime soon...

So what the fuck!!!! After dates like this, I have to admit, I start thinking maybe single life ain't all that bad - if only because it's better than these suck ass dates. But of course, that'd mean I wouldn't be having much sex for the rest of my friggin' life - and that just ain't gonna cut it either.

Typically guy right? All about the sex. Believe me, I'm well aware of all the beautiful aspects of a healthy relationship, most of which are more important than sex.

But that's for when you're in love...

which I'm not right now...

so bring on the smokin' hot chicks...

And leave the tongue-suckers at home...

10 REASONS WHY BASEBALL IS BETTER

1. You can't run out the clock
2. You can't double or triple team an opposing offensive threat
3. The defense has the ball
4. It's season is during the best time of year
5. Whether you strike out or hit a grand slam, you have to wait for your other 8 teammates to have an at bat before you can try again.
6. The Little League World Series
7. Double headers (although these won't happen much longer)
8. It's so difficult to play that even Hall of Famers failed 70% of the time they went up to bat.
9. Brush Backs, Chin Music & Purpose Pitches
10. Fat guys can play too...