Taking the Long Way Home

So I was drivin' home the other day and I drifted back a bit...

...back to the days when I'd be driving home to spend the rest of my day with someone. That sure was a long time ago. It was a different time back then and there are definitely days when I miss it. It can defintiely be a struggle to keep myself entertained after work these days. And the weekends... man can they be long and boring. Back then it was different - the thought of tomorrow was always present. That feeling was really great... It was wonderful to share your life with someone. I miss that optimism from day to day.

I think one of the things I miss the most is sharing my everyday life with someone I truly enjoy being around. Unfortunately my ex and I had an awful split, but when it was good, we had a lot of fun together. We had great chemistry when it came to everyday compatibility... always making each other laugh now and then throughout the night. Simply put, back then, we geniunely enjoyed each other's company.

Ironically on the way out, she'd say I didn't appreciate her a million times - to which I'd say "bull fuckin' shit" or "ah, whateva" (no suprise we're divorced, huh?). I always wonder how it would have played out if I knew back then what I know now. But I don't know if I woulda gotten to the understanding I needed to if I hadn't ultimately got divorced. And only I would have to hit rock fuckin' bottom emotionally before finally starting to understand what the hell happened. (She said I was stubborn too).

So the ride home this day wasn't that great... Don't get me wrong, understanding things about yourself is always good. But to get to this point the way I have makes it all the more humbling too. There's a level of embarrassment when you're humbled... and guilt too - and it makes it hard to talk about. Who knows if I'm even writing about it effectively right now.

Anyway, when I finally pulled into the driveway I got this emptiness in my stomach for a second or two. I don't know what it was. Maybe it's cause all the reflective thinking I did on the way home came and now it was time to walk in the front door alone once again. Maybe I'm just sick of being bored... who knows?

So as I settled in for another night of bachelorhood in front of tube, I just accept the fact that I'll probably always think about my ex-wife from time to time. I'd only be lying if I tried to say otherwise. And inevitably, at some point down the road, I'll drift back to those times again - until something will avert my attention elsewhere... like those LeBron commercials or a Seinfeld rerun... or until I meet some other woman who will affect my everyday life...

... so until then...

Thank god for the remote!!